The past few days of estrangement has brought me so much clarity. I, of all people, have always understood that we are our own people.
And really, there’s no need to say “stay strong” to me, because break-ups are overrated. This one wasn’t a wholly committed one and I was actually relieved when I let go. I’m not depressed, not suicidal, and pretty close to being happy (that I’m aware of, significantly).
So chill guyssssss
To simplify everything, I’ll just number them in order.
- He had a girlfriend before me, that he kept a complete secret from everybody. I never knew of her existence. And he started getting close to me and harboured feelings.
- He broke up with the girlfriend a day before he got together with me.
- I found out about that girl as an incoming iMessage was on his phone while he was away. Being a girl, of course I snooped. Imagine my surprise seeing the passionate texts from five days ago. He apologised but said that the texts were from a month ago, and there was a girl but they broke up a month ago.
- I was stupid and stayed.
- He whatsapped his female “pen pal” from China, and exchanged a lot of selfies and kissy emojis, as well as “Too bad we are far apart </3” The selfies were seductive selfies, not innocent “this is what I look like today!” selfies. Lies.
- I realised that I couldn’t carry the weight of his constant lying anymore and I forced a break-up.
- He repeatedly insisted on being honest and when I begged him to be honest for once, he revealed that instead of the one month lapse, he broke up with the girl only the day before.
This is the person who insists on being honest everyday. This person lies to me everyday, and even when I remind him everyday to be honest with me, he can carry on texting and flirting other girls deliberately. And this person, after revealing a lie, would justify himself and say that he didn’t lie. Just admit to it.
There are so many other incidents where he has disregarded any form of respect towards me, and played me for a fool. In return, I don’t get a whole-hearted apology. I got further denials.
It’s not that hard to love somebody properly. It’s not difficult to stay loyal. Yes, relationships are hard, but in this case, that excuse is not valid.
He did all of these under his conscious effort.
I had never lied or flirted or cheated or anything related, because I cared about this person too much to jeopardise the relationship. Besides, to do those things requires time and effort that I don’t have, and I tried to be the best version I could be of myself. I could have, but I didn’t.
Now, that wasn’t too hard, was it?
In short, this boy is not a good man. I hope, if anyone does read this (lol) that you stop asking about him and asking why are we not together and commenting on how we were as a couple. Because as a couple, it was a mistake. My biggest mistake.
For someone to hurt me over and over and over and over, it hardened my heart- no joke, it really did. In a good way.
I guess everyone grows up at one point, some sooner than later, but we all get there in the end (hopefully).
Every year there would be a few occasions where I’d happened to have time to do absolutely nothing and just lie in bed and think about how my life has progressed since childhood. My favourite period to relive would be from ages 16 to currently 20. These 4+ years taught me an awful lot of lessons, most of them learnt the hard way. I loved this period best because this is where the toils of adolescence began. This was where my life mimicked a coming-of-age tween movie. I had overtweezed my eyebrows and had on braces, and misused the eyeliner way too frequently- all in the name of vanity.
Then I decided all too suddenly that I wasn’t going to use any more make-up. I grew out my eyebrows (which were naturally way too thick) and right before I turned 18 I had my braces taken out.
In the days leading up to today, I never thought that I had an attitude, and I don’t think I did, but I wasn’t quite right yet. By right, I mean mature.
I didn’t have my priorities set straight and I cared too much about the wrong things, at the wrong times. I do appreciate all the friends who have stayed on when I was at my worst, they deserve a lifetime’s supply of ben&jerry’s ice-cream.
After A-levels I read a lot, and very heavily but I tried my best to cut off fiction if possible. History was the section I would head to by default whenever I visited a bookstore/library. This time, I added a few titles from the Autobiography department. Names with the big hearts, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, Aung Saan Suu Kyi, all from an era not too far back from this decade. I wanted to familiarise myself with themselves and their passion. Perspective change: Complete.
When I entered uni, I was different. I wasn’t the best version of myself, but I was definitely better. I made a point to treat people better, especially my folks.
My early uni days are vivid (because I’m still living the uni life :p) but I know for a fact that I am a better person than I ever was. I sat thinking about the people in my life, even acquaintances, and I realised that they too had grown to become greater.
To close this post I’ll just say that I’m happy about growing up and polishing myself into coming to be a person I’m proud of, but I’m not done yet.